Tommy Berry’s recent disqualification allowed him to discover who he really is and reassess his life goals

From feeling alone and vulnerable, he realised family and friends were there by his side.

With his riding career on hold, he learned what was truly important. Suddenly, there was light in his life – and a new beginning.

“Mentally, it was tough,” Berry admitted.

“I think obviously accepting what had happened was the hardest part but once I got past that and owned up to what had happened, I could move on.”

Berry was disqualified for nearly eight months over his “improper dealings” with a punter but his comeback has been the feel-good story of the Sydney spring carnival so far.

The star jockey only returned to the saddle late last month and on successive Saturdays he’s won stakes races on Manaal in the Gimcrack Stakes and King’s Gambit in the Roman Consul Stakes.

Berry is back doing what he does best, riding winners. It’s like he’s never been away.

But on the eve of his ride on Mazu in the $20m The TAB Everest (1200m) and Kovalica in the Group 1 $5m King Charles III Stakes (1600m) at Royal Randwick on Saturday, Berry reflected on a year where he has had to learn to live with adversity.

“Looking back on it now, the last eight months that I’ve had off has been incredible,” he said. “It’s the first time I’ve had a break in racing since I was 15.

“The circumstances of how everything happened, I regret deeply and wish it didn’t happen that way.

“But I feel now, mentally, I’m very clear in the head and it’s just given me the time that I probably needed.

“I got to spend a lot of time with my family and find out a little bit more about myself.”

Berry’s voice trailed away … tears welled in his eyes.

The next question was an obvious one but difficult to ask. What did he mean by finding out a “little bit more about myself?”

In an emotional, heartfelt and remarkably revealing interview, Berry reflected on the loss of his twin brother Nathan, his father’s cancer battle, the mistake that threatened his riding career, the social media torment his wife has had to endure and how he is determined to regain his place among the nation’s best jockeys.

LOSING NATHAN

When Berry speaks with such raw emotion, it’s easy to forget he is still only 32 years of age. He has crammed so much into his young life.

There’s been the triumphs that have come with more than 1500 race wins, 37 at Group 1 level including three Golden Slippers, three TJ Smith Stakes, two Golden Roses, Doncaster Mile, Epsom Handicap, ATC Australian Derby, Sydney Cup, and big-race wins in Hong Kong and Singapore.

But these successes have masked the trauma he experienced following the tragic passing of his twin brother, Nathan, nine years ago from Norse syndrome, an acute condition related to epilepsy.

“Losing Nathan was a very tough period in my life,” Berry said.

“Looking back now, I never gave myself any time to really reflect on Nathan’s life and what we’d achieved together.

“I just kept riding through it and kept pushing it to the back of my mind. It was a tough thing to sort of come to terms with and it was something that I didn’t want to really think about.

“I didn’t want to think about a life without him or how it had changed or how to change my life as a whole.

“With this time off, I’ve sort of found myself. I still miss Nathan every day and still he is a massive part of my life, my kids and my family’s life.

“But I also realise I’m here on my own now, unfortunately, and I’ve got to stand on my own two feet.”

Berry takes some solace that the racing industry hasn’t forgotten his brother.

The Nathan Berry Medal was introduced in 2014 and is awarded to the leading jockey during The Championships in Sydney each autumn. It has become one of the most coveted awards for jockeys each and every season.

Berry is understandably proud his late brother is being honoured and remembered with the annual award.

“It gives me goosebumps thinking about it,” he said.

“Nathan had a short life on this earth, passing away at 23, so it wasn’t a very long life, but the life he lived was full. It was full of love and he was a very kind person, whether it was with family or others.

“I think that shows now he’s gone. You talk about other people, whether it’s Bart Cummings and people like that leaving a great legacy, well, I think Nathan, for the short time he was here, did that, too.

“We’ve obviously been able to see over the last nine years, he left a big hole in a lot of people’s hearts.

“The Nathan Barry medal over the championships was something that was really heartwarming to have named after Nathan. I didn’t think it’d last this long, I thought it might be something that’d be around for two or three years.

“But it keeps, it’s getting bigger and it’s one that whenever jockey wins it, they’re just so, it’s like winning a Group 1.

“It’s special, it hits them in the heart and it’s very special for me to see people feel as deeply as they do about winning something like that. I was able to win the first one with James McDonald and I will be trying hard to get another one.”

DARK SHADOW

Although Berry might finally be coming to terms with losing his brother but there is another ominous shadow lingering over the family.

The jockey’s father, Kevin, is confronting his own cancer battle.

“Dad’s someone that’s just been a hard worker and he’s instilled the same in us,” Berry said.

“But he’s spending a lot more time with the family and enjoying his grandkids now. He’s fighting a good battle and he’s a tough old bugger so he’ll keep fighting till his days are up.

“Yeah, it was has been hard to accept what he’s going through and it happened at the time when I was getting disqualified, so it was a really tough period then.”

Once again, Berry believes the time he has spent away from racing this year has been a blessing in disguise.

He’s been there for his father, taking him to doctor’s appointments and to hospital for treatment.

“It just shows you, life is precious,” Berry said.

“Dad’s fighting the good fight and hopefully he’s got a lot longer left.

“He just lives to watch me ride every day and as he did with Nathan when he was here. So, when I wasn’t riding it was tough for him as well, but all I can do now is try and go out there and make him proud and give him plenty to cheer for.”

SOCIAL MEDIA ABUSE

Berry has always been accommodating with the media and prepared to promote the sport he loves so much.

But the jockey has been stung by the vitriol he received after he was disqualified, particularly the abuse his wife had to endure on various social platforms.

“Look, it was tough because obviously I’ve given, I feel during my career, a lot to any sort of media, whether it’s mainstream media or bloggers or Instagram anything, I’ve always tried to be giving of my time,” he said.

“So, it was really hard to see some people putting in the boot when I was going through a tough time.

“But in saying that you sort of look back on things you’ve been through in life, losing Nathan and what dad’s going through now, it makes you deal with things a bit easier.

“We’ve been through a lot in our short life and things that no one should have to go through, so dealing with things like that (criticism) was sort of water off a duck’s back to me.

“But it probably hurt my family a bit more, my mum and dad, and especially my wife.”

Berry revealed that his wife received a torrent of vile abuse across several social media platforms.

“The strange part is my wife was getting messages off many people on a daily basis just saying what a horrible person I was and stuff like that,” the jockey said.

“Obviously, to attack me is one thing, I’ve got to cop what comes my way, but to attack someone’s family is disgusting.

“It was a hard thing to deal with because I’ve got a beautiful family and they just didn’t deserve to be abused.”

A NORMAL LIFE

A common theme during this interview was Berry’s assertion that he “found out more about himself” during his disqualification.

But arguably the most profound moment came about two weeks after incurring the riding ban when Berry’s daughter, Charlise, innocent asked: “Daddy, when are you going back to work again?”

It was early March and Berry hadn’t left his house for days, he was disappointed with himself, worried about his family and future. Suddenly, he was galvanised again.

“I told my daughter I’ve actually got a job and I’ll start next week – but I didn’t have one,” Berry revealed.

“So, I spoke to a couple of friends and got a job with Evergreen Turf, which is only half an hour up the road.

“I was working from six o’clock till four o’clock, 10 hours a day, five days a week for six months. I loved it.”

Berry felt he was living a more normal life after being in racing’s “bubble” since he left school more than 15 years ago.

“In racing, there’s a lot of egos, it’s what makes people successful, what makes people good. We’ve all got to have one,” he said.

“But in that job and that environment I was in, there was no egos. It was a team effort, this is what we’ve got to do to get the job done.

“Then a few afternoons a week you’d sit down and have one drink with them and just share stories. There are a really good bunch of guys.”

Berry said during his time at Evergreen Turf he learned some life lessons that will stay with him forever.

“It taught me a lot about how hard people have to work for the money they earn, or what they’ve got to do to put food on the table for their families,” he said.

“Then it sort of hit me that I’m in a great position in racing and I sort of felt sometimes you can really take that for granted.

“I realised I’ve got to work hard because riding is a privilege. It’s a privilege to be where we are and in the position we are, and racing for the money we are.

“There’s plenty of guys that are riding around the bush that wish that they had the position I have. So I’m definitely not going to take that for granted any longer.”

THE FUTURE

Berry says he is no longer consumed by winning a Sydney jockey premiership. His goals are more modest and immediate as he sets about rebuilding his riding career.

“I think I’ll always set goals, that’s what I’ve done my whole career and I’ve achieved a lot of them,” Berry said.

“I’ve wanted to win the (Sydney jockey) premiership and I thought I was going to do it a few years back when I rode over 100 winners for the season but James (McDonald) still beat me by 10.

“I don’t want to get caught up in premierships anymore because I feel that putting myself under that pressure got me suspended quite a bit.

“So, instead of chasing that premiership goal each season, I want to concentrate on riding my best each week and it might just help me stay out of the stewards’ room.

“But James has been incredible for my career, as was Hugh (Bowman) before him. James really brings the best out of me and I think the same happens when Joe Moreira and Ryan Moore ride here.

“You can’t shy away from having jockeys like that compete against you and it should take you to a new level if you want to succeed and so I think my goal is to compete at my best against the best.”

Originally published as Tommy Berry’s recent disqualification allowed him to discover who he really is and reassess his life goals